<Books Are Heavy>
I dropped my books
with a loud clunk.
The third time this week.
I really need
a bigger backpack.
I made a mental note
to tell Mom about this.


<First Impressions>
A girl, that I didn't know,
crouched down to help me.
“You're David's little sister, right?”
I nodded.
“My name's Phoebe,” I said.
“Pleased to meet you, I'm Jamie.”
... a.k.a. the Nicest Girl Ever?


<Detective Matthews is on the Case>
I spent my free period
after Chemistry
researching this
“Jamie” girl.
She's 16, on the soccer team
and perhaps the cutest girl
that I've ever seen.


<Mon Frère>
My brother David
is a grade above me.
He's a slacker,
a jock,
a someone that
I don't really like.
Despite the related thing.

He gets so-so grades,
but he gets all the praise.
He's the favorite.
All the adults love him,
all the girls want him.
I bet Jamie does too.


<Worth a Shot>
I couldn't get her
out of my mind
so I decided to
ask David if he knew
anything about this
Jamie Wasana girl.

He bounced that
dumb basketball
on the driveway
a few times
then said
“She's in my history class.”
What help he is.


<My Big Secret>
I
like
girls
as
well
as
boys.


<A Few More Details>
My best friend Kenny
doesn't even know.
We joke about it everyday.
... but I'm not joking
when I say that
the girls basketball team
is looking hot this year.


<Excuses>
During lunch
Kenny asked me if I
slept well last night
because I seem distracted.
I nodded and apologized
“Things are fine, but Mom forgot
that I hate peanut butter again.”


<So Here She Comes>
As I'm eating my extremely thick
peanut butter sandwich
Jamie walks from the table
that she sits at every single day
with all her little soccer buddies
and she pulls out the chair next to Kenny.
“May I sit here?”

I chug down some of my Pepsi,
hoping to wash away as much
of the peanut better as is possible,
but it's not working, so I just nod.
She sits down, then politely
introduces herself to Kenny
and says hello to me.

Kenny says he needs
to run to his locker,
to grab some notes
for his next class.
Leaving Jamie and I
all alone.
I have never felt so dull.


<Perfection is Possible?>
I'm not sure
what to say,
so I sit silently
as she eats her lunch.
I've never seen someone
eat that neatly.
She fascinates me.


<Confusion>
She looked up at me and said,
“I knew who you were.”
I didn't understand what she meant.
She picked up on my confusion
and continued on-
“When you dropped your books,
I knew who you were before then.”


<Dumbstruck>
“You're on the newspaper
and you're the best in Perlman's class.”
“But I suck at French,” I said.
She offered to tutor me and said
"I received high marks last year
and I'm in Honors French now."
I told her that I'd consider her help.


<Walking Home>
Kenny and I have been
neighbors since we were six
so we always
walk home together
after school.
Kenny is like
the brother I wish I had.

I told him about Jamie.
About French tutoring, that is.
He said that I should do it
that it would be a good idea.
I told him that I would accept her offer.
But I got the feeling that he
wasn't telling me something.


<Stealing a Passing Glance>
The next day at school
I asked Jamie if
her offer to tutor me
still stood.
She said she'd be happy to,
and gave me her number.
I wanted to dance.


<Never Gonna Come Down>
You know that
first feeling
you get when you
really like someone?
Butterflies and grins.
You're on top of the world.
Well, I'm near the top... with her.


<Thursday and Saturday>
Are the days we figured
would be best
thanks to our
somewhat busy
schedules.
She said once a week
wasn't enough.


<Saturday>
She walked through my door,
complimented my house,
then sat on my couch,
legs neatly crossed.
I seriously don't think that
anyone could be any more
perfect.


<Français>
“Bonjour, je m'appelle Phoebe.”
“Oh, c'est magnifique!”
“C'est une belle femme.”*
Jamie looked at me, confused.
“I don't think we've covered
positive adjectives yet.”
Oops...
(*-Beautiful woman.)


<Flock of Jocks>
My brother traipsed
through the den
with his jock friends
so they could empty
our fridge
of anything that's
“Packed with carbs”

Coach Davis says that
they need carbs for
energy so the team can
WIN! WIN! WIN!
I say that they need
to get OUT! OUT! OUT!
of my house.

<The Game>
“Are you going to the game?”
she asked me.
I told her 'No, probably not.'
omitting the “I hate sports” part.
She looked disappointed.
She told me that she
never misses a game.

<Parting of Ways>
I thanked her for her help
and she said she'd
see me on Monday.
I said
“Maybe you'll see me tonight.”
I'm never this daring and
loose with my words.


<Not a Chic Chick>
I have
absolutely
no sense of style.
But I wanted to look
cute
for the basketball game.
How strange.


<Desperately>
I shoved clothing
away from my door
so I could get out
of my messy room
to ask Mom for advice.
She did that Mom thing
Where she “Aw!”s.

I rolled my eyes
but she didn't notice.
We went up to my room
and her eyes got teary.
She was so proud
that her little girl
was excited over a boy.


<My Plan for Life>
Is to never ever
tell my parents
that I like girls.
Because Mom would
blow a fuse.
Though Dad wouldn't
give a damn.


<My Dad>
As far as fathers go
mine could be worse.
But wouldn't you want
a dad who at least
fakes an interest
in you as well as
his beloved son?


<Mommy Dearest>
My mom is very
emotional.
And very
opinionated.
Which causes
many problems
between me and her.

She likes things
to be absolutely
perfect.
While she is
flawed.
Can you say
hypocrite?


<Playing Dress-up>
Mom picked out
my purple sweater
that makes my eyes
“shine like emeralds
sparkle in the sun.”
I keep thinking that
I'm a fool for doing this.


<The Longest 6 Minute Drive Ever>
On the ride there
Mom kept asking
who I liked on the team.
I replied honestly
by saying “No one.”
She doesn't believe me.

Mom thinks
that I like
Sean Freeman,
the Panthers' “Center.”
She doesn't know
that I'm not his type
because he's gay.


<Ooh, There She is!>
I don't understand
how I never noticed her
before last week,
and yet
I cannot get her
out of my sight
this week.


<”Phoebe! You Came!”>
Was it my imagination
or did her eyes light up?
I must be seeing things
that I wish I could see.
What I didn't want to see
is ten sweaty sporty guys
jog around for the next hour.


<It Seems So Pointless>
Jamie and I are
sitting near the top
of the bleachers
and I'm trying
so very hard
to make sense
of this silly game.

There's a ball.
There are players.
It's supposed to be fun
and yet...
all I'm getting from this
is a sore butt from
these hard bleachers.


<The Statue of Phoebe>
Her eyes are on the court,
my eyes are glued on her.
When she moves
her hair
sways like water.
I am paralyzed
with a dorky grin on my face.


<Caught in the Act>
She saw me staring at her.
Oops.
My face is probably
clashing with the colour
of my eyes.
She smiled and laughed.
She has the cutest laugh!


<She Hugged Me Goodbye>
Here I am
in her arms.
I feel so weak.
She whispers in my ear
“I know what you're thinking
Would you like a ride home?”


<She's Not a Mind Reader>
Not quite what I'm thinking.
But my options are:
Stay here while Mom & Dad
gush with the other parents
or go home now and get
five extra minutes with Jamie
I think I'll take the ride.


<Paradise is a Parking Lot>
We were stuck in a line
of cars rushing to leave
when she asked me if
I needed to get home or
if I'd like to join her in
getting an ice cream.
I happily agreed to.


<The "One Scoop or Two" Ice Cream Parlor>
She explained to me
that she has a
tradition
of eating a float
when the Panthers win.
Even though
she doesn't like root beer.


<Where Do I Put My Hands?>
I should tell you now
that I've never been
on a date
and I've never had
a boy or girlfriend.
So I'm not sure how
to act around a crush.


<Fact Finding>
I found out
so much about
her.
She's Thai and
she has a brother
who's currently
away in Iraq.

Her parents
aren't very nice.
Which is why she
has lots of friends
because her family
sucks majorly.
My words, not her's.


<No One Expects the Mommy Inquisition!>
As soon as I got home
Mom asked me where I was
and who I was with.
As if I was still eight years old.
I told her I was with
a friend
that she hasn't met yet.

Instantly
she thought
that I meant a boy.
When I told her that
it wasn't a boy
she was very
disappointed.


<David, David, David>
Mom launched
into a rant about
how David dates a lot
and how I never do.
I was tempted to say
"That's because I'm not
a skank like David is."

But I held my tongue
as she babbled on
about Sean Freeman
and Chris Potter
and a billion other
"perfectly nice boys"
that I don't care about.

Please note that she
didn't even sigh
when David
didn't come home
until well after
one in the morning.
Brawn before brains.


<Sail on Across the Sea>
The wind blew
pure white snow
into my face.
I brushed it away
and saw her
standing next to me
looking like an angel.

Like the snow
I blew into
her arms
and was
graced
by her
soft touch.

She said
“Don't speak”
so I obeyed
I watched her
doe-like eyes
search me
for a go-ahead.

I was surprised
by her soft lips
on top of mine
and by the surge
of electricity
that went all
through my body.


<That's (not) Reality>
“BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!”
My alarm clock
went off and
I was sad
to realize that
the dream was over.
What can I say?


<Private Eyes Are Watching You>
At lunch
Kenny told me
that he heard
that I went to
the Panthers game
on Saturday.
I feel ashamed.

I used to be
invisible
at this school.
Why and when
did people
start keeping tabs
on me?


<Dustbin Phoebe>
Kenny picked up
on my sour mood
that I got because
he was teasing me
about Saturday,
so he apologized
and gave me candy.

Kenny knows that
the way to my heart
is with a bar of
chocolate
or some other sort of
chocolatey goodness.
I simply cannot resist it.

He told me
to cheer up
or go back
to my trash can.
Apparently, he
now sees me as
a fuzzy green muppet.


<Focal Point>
I think she
caught me
looking at
her
again.
She doesn't seem
to mind it.


<Thursday>
She has been so
understanding & nice
about my lack of
skill in learning French.
So now I wonder-
How does she
hide her halo?


<Privy Details>
She said
“There's something
I want to tell you...
I just saved money
by switching to Geico.”
Silly girl.
What’s she hiding?

I can tell that she
wants to tell me
something
but I have no idea
what it is exactly.
Maybe she's really
a 30-year-old man.


<Sweet Goodbyes>
An hour passed by
she packed her things up
and kissed my cheek
then said
“Au reviour, mon ami.”
I melted like chocolate.


<Anxious>
I'm worried that she
rejected me
just then
by calling me
her friend.
Is that what she
really wanted to say?


<The Note>
Lauren Sones
stopped in front of
the table I was at
and handed me a note
that she said was from
Jamie.

The note said
"I'm absent today
because I have
a doctor appointment.
Don’t worry,
it’s just a check up."

She went on to say
“I want to tell you
something
in private though.
Meet me at
Sierra Flowers
for coffee @ 7.”


<Scattered Thoughts>
What does she want
to tell me so badly?
This is the second attempt
of her trying to tell me
something that
I assume to be at least
semi-important.

What if she is going to say
that I make her feel
uncomfortable.
Or that she's giving up
on trying to help me
with my French.
Or maybe it's positive news.


<Walk Off the Pain>
At a quarter to
I set off on foot
toward the coffee shop
while wearing my lucky
rainbow toe socks
hoping that she doesn't
have bad news to tell me.


<Grande Mocha Latte with a Twist of Caramel>
Jamie greeted me
with a big hug
and had me order
caffeine in a cup.
She said that she
drinks coffee often.
I'm thinking “Ew.”

She said
“I'll cut to the chase.
There's something that
I haven't told you
because I wasn't sure
how you'd take it.
Phoebe-- I'm a lesbian.”


<I'm Losing My Mind>
Holy shit!
Did you catch that?!
She's a--
That means–-
So then I--
WOOHOO!
There's hope yet!!


<So Then I Came Out of My Closet>
Though it's more of a nook,
when you think about it.
Jamie took it well.
Oddly well.
She gave me
a high-five
in congratulation.

Then she told me
about how she thought
that she was bi for a year,
but realized that she
only liked guys
as friends,
not lovers.


<Confessions>
She told me that she
had to confess
that she has had
a huge crush
on me
since the start
of the year.

I assured her that
the feeling
was definitely mutual
and that I haven't
been able to get her
out of my head
since we first met.


<Actions Speak Loudly>
We didn't say much
of anything else
for the remainder
of the hour.
We just beamed
and giggled
at each other.


<She Gave Me a Ride Home>
Because it's November now
and it's starting to get
really cold
at night.
I could see my breath
and I was glad
that her car has heat.

She stopped in front
of my house
then gave me
a nice hug
that felt like it
lasted forever.
But forever stopped short.


<Wednesday>
Jamie called me,
but Mom answered.
They chatted for awhile,
then Mom, reluctantly,
handed the phone to me.
“That girl is wonderful!
Don't lose her!”

“You won my mom's heart,”
I said, happily.
“I hope I won someone
else's heart as well,”
she said.
My heart feels like
it's going to pop.


<5th Period>
I opened my locker
to get out a textbook
and a note fell out.
“I just wanted to tell you,
that I miss you.
Meet me after school?”

How could I say no?
I scribbled a response
on a torn piece of paper.
Then added-
“I don't regret telling you
in case you were worried.”
Satisfied, I popped in it her locker.


<After School>
I met her by her car.
She greeted me with a kiss.
... on my cheek.
Is it wrong that I'm disappointed?
She told me to get in.
“We're going for coffee.”


<Our Place>
Sierra Flowers is now
“Our place.”
At least to me, it is.
The taste of coffee
is starting to grow on me.
Maybe it's just because
she loves it.


<Confrontation>
She shook some
cinnamon
into her cup
which is unlike her.
Jamie spoke softly
as if she didn't want
to ask this question.

“I know you probably
don't want to talk
about this,
but I have to ask:
What are we now?
You don't have to
answer right away...”

I hesitated to answer
not knowing what she
expected of me.
“Do you want there
to be an 'us'?”
She shook her head.
“You decide, not me.”

I sipped my coffee,
trying to buy time.
“What I really want...
sure you want to know?”
She nodded.
“I want you.”
“I want you too.”


<Best Moment of My Life>
Jamie pulled up a few houses
down from my house.
“Hey Phoebe?”
I turned to face her.
“What?” I asked.
She put her hand on my face
and leaned toward me.

Just like in my dream,
electricity surged through me.
The caressing of our mouths
caused sparks and
I wondered if she felt them too.
I wanted to ask her, but
I didn't want this moment to end.

“C'est magnifique!” she said.
We laughed.
I told her that we should skip
the French lesson today
because I probably wouldn't
be able to focus.
She agreed.


<Surreal>
I rarely get what I want
especially with love.
It's so surreal.
I feel so blessed.
I want to scream
as loud as I can
“I LOVE JAMIE WASANA!!”

But the best part
is that she
feels the same way.
I wonder if she
has also had
troubles breathing
and focusing.


<Courtship>
This whole dating thing
is really annoying.
I want to be with her.
I think about her all the time.
I really want her.
But at the same time
I have to be casual.

Dockers and a polo shirt.
Oh, hah hah.
How funny one can be
when they’re stressed.
Am I stressed?
...over her?
That sounds so awful!


<Price of Admission>
Theater seats
are very uncomfortable.
But when she leans over
for some popcorn
I can smell lavender
and I can’t focus on
whatever movie this is.


<She’s So Cute>
When she smiles
at me.
I can’t help grinning
right back at her.
And when she leans over
and kisses me
I feel that sweet electricity.


<The World is Spinning>
Ever get that feeling
when you’re so happy
you know that things
can only go downhill?
But I'm trying not to think
about the bad things
Because I have her.


<It’s New and Amazing>
A block away from home
locked in a kiss
that was supposed to be
just a quick peck,
I can't help but feel
so much more alive.
So finally happy.


<Heart Injuries Are Frequent>
When we finally part
she tells me that
she loves me
and without hesitation
I tell her “I love you too.”
I've never been more serious
about anything else before.

We laugh and smile.
Proud of ourselves.
Proud of being
girls in love.
Not exactly
a storybook romance.
But we like what we have.


<Bliss>
Is hard to explain.
It's a feeling that,
I think, you can only feel
when you're
in love.
Because I have never
felt like this before.

I can't explain
why I can't stop
beaming
when my mom asks me,
because I'd have to say
“I'm in love
... with a girl, Mom.”


<Clingy>
I can't be clingy.
I know this,
but it's so difficult.
Everything
reminds me of
her.
She's so wonderful.

I can't stop playing
the CD that’s been
in my player
since she confessed to me.
Every song on it
makes me think of
her.

The book that I'm
currently reading
is about
two girls
together.
And I can't help
but see our comparisons.


<Love is Incoherent>
We stay up late
talking on the phone
every chance we get.
We don't really have
anything to say,
but we can't hang up.
“I love you” never gets old.

I love this girl so much.
I've never loved anyone
as much as I love her.
I realize I'm saying
the word love
way too often,
but I just can't help it!


<I Feel So Informed>
She told me that
she'll be “busy”
this week
thanks to
volleyball finals,
studies and
the school play.

Jamie had told me
before that she
wanted to join
Drama Club.
But I didn't know
that she had gone
through with it.


<A Little Miffed>
Just a little bit.
Only because she
didn't tell me about
the play.
And I'm just
slightly ticked
that she's so busy.


<Why am I Obsessing?>
Yeah, I'm busy too.
But that's not
the point.
I would like to
spend some time
with my girlfriend.
Is that such a bad thing?


<On Friday>
I walked up to her
and told her
to follow me.
I led her around
the corner and
gave her a very
passionate kiss.

“Sierra Flowers,”
I said.
“At seven.
I will not
take 'no' for
an answer.”
Then I walked away.


<Something I Thought I'd Never Do>
I grabbed David's
basketball
out of
the garage
and I slammed it
very hard
on the driveway.

“What the hell
are you doing?”
David asked, stunned.
I ignored him and
shot the ball.
To my surprise it went
right through the hoop.


<Ring-a-ding-ding>
I threw the ball
forcefully at David,
when Mom said
“Jamie's on the phone.”
I ran to get the phone,
though I felt
very nervous.

She said that she
wants to
reschedule
for Sunday.
I told her “No.”
She said she
“needed to think.”


<A Compromise>
We met at the coffee place
Saturday night.
She apologized
for being so busy lately
but I told her not to worry.
“Absence makes the heart
grow fonder, right?”


<Though I Noticed>
That something seemed
a bit off-key
with Jamie.
Paranoid, yes.
Worried, yes.
Happy?
I’m not so sure.


<Silence is Deafening>
We bought our coffees
then scrambled to a table.
She was so silent.
Seemingly lost for words.
But as I opened my mouth
to try to stir up conversation
she stopped me.

“I'm not sure about this,”
she said.
“I'm not sure about...
myself.
I feel like I'm
holding you back.
I feel like... your mistake.”

She cried into her cup
as I tried to find the words
that would comfort her
as well as myself.
All I could think of to say
was simply
“I love you.”

“I don't deserve you,”
Jamie whispered.
“You're anything but
my big mistake, Jamie,”
I told her, with tearful eyes.
My heart feels so heavy.


<Suppress the Truth>
We didn't talk
until she pulled up
to my house.
She gave a fake smile,
laughed uncomfortably,
then said “I'm glad we're
ending on good terms.”


<Screaming Sounds Like Fun>
Glad?
As in happy?
'Good terms?'
Barely!
How dare she?
How dare she...
break my heart?


<Get Ready for Liftoff>
I twist around
to see her
sitting next to me
with her eyes
full of hope
but a frown
upon her lips.

Her dark brown hair
moves like water
as she shifts
uncomfortably
trying to find the words
that will break
my heart into two.

We both knew
this was coming.
We both knew
something was off.
But I hoped that
we would work things out.
I hoped she did too.


<Crushed to Cinders>
It happened and I was hurt
even though it was
transparent
that she was about to
break my heart.
I wasn't prepared
to miss her so much.

In a daze
I walked inside
shrugging off
Mom's questions
about my day.
I ran to my room and
crawled in bed to cry.


<Go Away Weak Girl>
I stayed in bed
all night
weeping into my pillow.
It was all I could do.
I feel broken.
Like something's missing.
The teardrops wouldn't stop.


<Realizing>
I didn't think
I'd be this disappointed.
I didn’t think
I'd cry.
I was so worried
about breaking her heart
that I didn't think of mine.


<Run as Fast as You Can>
I avoided her
as much as I could
so I wouldn't have
to worry about
the awkwardness
or
the apologies.

She caught my eye
earlier today
while she was
talking with friends.
She smiled weakly,
then looked away quickly,
and feelings of pain came back.


<We Met Up the Next Day>
And she told me-
“I want to be your friend.”
“I wanna be your girlfriend.”
She sighed sadly
at my stubbornness.
“But I'll settle,” I said.
My heart feels crushed.


<A Few Weeks Later>
We're still friends
and we get along
fairly well,
aside from a few
arguments.
Probably based on
resentment.


<The Truth of the Matter>
It's difficult
to go on
pretending
that I don't
feel the way I do.
And it hurts
to have to lie.

I still love her.
Maybe I always will.
My first girlfriend.
She'll always be
special
to me.
No matter what.


© 2006 Samantha Thomas - All Rights Reserved.